Dear Bambi and Bob,

July 26th, 2015 was a typical hot summer day in Rome. My family and I decided to visit the Bhorgese Museum on the north end of the city. Having thoroughly enjoyed the gallery and garden, we made our way to Spagna metro stop to pick up the A line to back to the center of Rome.

This is when it got interesting. There was a throng of people waiting to get on the train. All of the warning signs were there that this was a pickpocketer’s dream. As we pushed through the doorway like some giant human amoeba, I recalled feeling a slight brush; a nudge, a hand, a map being pushed against me. Whatever it was, it made me instinctively put my hand on my iphone in my left pocket.

Pickpocket Foiled

Imagine my surprise to find someone else’s fingers firmly levitating my iphone. I turned to the left and pushed back against the mousey devil behind me and told him to keep his hand off my phone. Sure enough, I noticed he had been poking an old tourist map at my waist, attempting to conceal his bad intentions.

I felt a surge of adrenaline and indignation, as I loudly proclaimed our fellow passenger a pickpocket, to which, all turned and gazed upon him (awkward moment).

Still bothered by his trickery, I thought to myself, time for a close-up picture of my failed pickpocketer friend. This, of course, made him uncomfortable. I noticed that he attempted to cover his face with the map. Leaving no doubt about his mal intent, he rapidly exited the train at the next stop to a smattering of applause.

I felt vindicated and empowered—He had failed! He picked the wrong target. Though I looked the part of average tourist with my baseball cap on, I’m probably the worst person to try this foolishness with. You see, I have spent the last 25 years studying the subtle details of those molecular pickpockets, Viruses, which take over cells that they slip into. I’m used to analyzing every last detail about small things.

He couldn’t have known that he picked the wrong guy. But since he is just like the viruses that I study, I couldn’t help but have many questions about this fellow; How? Why? Does he feel any moral dilemma with his craft? I even felt a bit of a thrill after foiling my pickpocketer. No doubt, I enjoy this high-stakes game. I’m ready to troll for the next one when I’m in Rome again.

Dr. Virus

P.S. Love your website. Keep it up. If the Rome Police won’t do anything about it, at least we can expose the threat. I think the best thing to do is to take pictures of these people and post them online.